I walked into the Clinical Counselling Skills class with no expectations, yet am walking away with three things that have already improved my life for the better. My largest takeaways were from the practical practice of counselling a fellow student, and adopting a student counsellor in turn. Within these sessions I was able to test my knowledge and apply what I had learned, while also reaping the benefits of regular counselling myself. Not only did I build up my own confidence, but I resolved some of my own issues that I did not know existed. And as a bonus, I was able to teach my partner, some valuable helping skills, which also strengthen our relationship.
In this paper I will be summarizing the above in three sections. First, a new found appreciation for the counselling profession, and a surge of confidence that I can be a valuable part of it. Second, a stronger relationship with my partner, where we are able to bond over both being in the helping profession. And lastly, better understanding of my own unrequited wants and needs, and now the ability to help myself to them.
I was looking for a career change and was always told by friends and acquaintances alike that I am friendly and easy to talk to because I never judge; therefore counselling seemed like a good fit. Especially seeing as my previous work experience and education in the service sector and managing people has given me great communication skills. I thought being an effective leader and communicator was enough to set me up for the classes ahead. Although, I would learn that being an effective counsellor takes more than paying attention and holding a conversation, that there is a nuanced art to it.
In hindsight I was thrown into the fire with my first course at VCCT. This was the complete teachings of Cognitive Behaviour, which included many techniques, homework sheets, and the need to jump right into counselling practice on the first day.
I would mimic my assigned student counsellor (who was further along in the program compared to myself) and I learned as I went. I thought I walked away grasping the concept and felt pretty confident heading into Clinical Counselling as my fourth course. However, I would wipe the slate clear of all that I thought I knew and start again with the basics.
I thought I understood empathy, but now realized that I have lumped it together with sympathy. I was listening to others tell their stories and was feeling bad for them, instead of sharing in their feelings. Similarly the skill of not counter-transferring my own thoughts and perceptions on to another person is a useful takeaway for my personal life. After learning this lesson in class, I immediately reflected on all the times that I gave my friends, what I thought was sound advice, yet they never took it. In hindsight I did not have all the facts to make an informed decision on someone else’s life, nor should I have offered them unsolicited advice. Such insights not only make for a good counsellor, but a better friend.
I put some of my new found knowledge to practical use when speaking with my partner. Things I could not tell him as a loved one, I was able to convey as a peer. I made sure to stress that I was not counselling him, but walking him through hypothetical and what-if scenarios, for his benefit. As a self-employed barber he has time and time again told me that his chosen profession has him acting like a counsellor, and that in another life time he could have been one as well. I have waved this statement off since starting my program. However, thanks to “The Skilled Helper” by Egan I had to turn around and validate his belief. The textbook states in print that such professions as coaches, bartenders, and barbers are placed in a helper position and therefore can too benefit from this training.
Last weekend we had a three hour long conversation surrounding this. He used examples he has encountered in his chair and I walked him through how I would engage, given my training. Whereas he is prone to inserting his opinions and cheerfully pressure other to see his views, I suggested that he offer empathy instead. Empathy and understanding to allow the client to open up and divulge by their own means. He was apprehensive of this and paraphrasing, fearing that he does not have the same vocabulary as I do to pull from. I suggested checking for understanding through summarizing, which also showed that he was being present.
He was especially resistant towards the interventions of probing and challenging, and stated hat he would not dare to engage in such a conversation when a client showed discomfort or hesitation. He stood firm that he could not and would not. I in turn probed, asking him the “Miracle Question” and what a hypothetical best case scenario would look like to him. His train of thought got him to the conclusion that he did not want explore the deeper feelings of others, for the fear that he would have to reciprocate them himself.
This began a dip into his childhood and his self diagnosed “Avoidant style”, due to lack of parental care and love. This was followed by the disclosed need to only depend on himself with no safety net available to fall back on.
After his verbalized revelation it cleared the air on the thoughts I had and have not been able to tell him, but are now happy that they are out. This covered his lack of emotion, inability to share and be vulnerable, plus lack of commitment. I feel our personal relationship has improved since and our friendship bettered as equals in the helping field.
During this discussion I repeated several times that I did not want to dig deeper and cannot as I am not counselling him. However, he was drawn in and I could see him self reflecting and working things out. It was in this moment that a wave of pride and reassurance washed over me. My fear of not being able to retain all that we have learned and will learn within a year, minimized. I was now proud of my ability to teach, reference what I learned, and in turn apply it.
On a similar vein I now appreciate more what counselling can provide to a person. I have been using my time as a client to explore emotions and feelings that confuse me. Keeping in mind that what I project on the surface may not be the true emotion, but what is used to mask and shield.
By being able to talk through the root my discomforts and problems with my student counsellor, guiding the conversations and probing when necessary, I have come to the realization that I struggle with feelings of self inadequacy, stemming from my childhood. Issues I thought I mostly resolved in the Psychosocial Development class came full circle in this Counselling Skills one.
I discovered that I long for validation from my cold mother, and feeling like I am not enough with her forward and frank feedback. Statements like “don’t be so sensitive”, “can you not cry so much?”, and “don’t take things personally” riddle my memories and have springboard-ed me to chase this approval. When I reached the workforce, this drove me to overachieve not for the pride of doing a good job, but for the praise of a would-be manager or person of authority. The “good girl” pat on the head that I did not get from mom, I sought out in any authority figures. This had me blindly listening to predominantly male Caucasian leaders who critiqued me on my appearance, clothing choice, and overall personality. I became a shapeshifter trying to please where I wanted praise. Yet always feeling like I was falling short, not living up to their expectations and it casting a negative light on the patterned racism I felt.
This has led to an unhealthy expectation of my partners. Where I believe that as soon as the relationship is concrete and cemented, they need to support and love me unconditionally. This means not saying anything negative, not asking me to change, or criticizing me in anyway. Where the smallest of comments that I perceive in the opposite direction causes arguments and ends in me crying.
I am thankful for the ability to ruminate on this, and that I have this as a parting gift from the course. Half the battle is knowing and being able to understand your feelings in order to curtail them. I understand where they come from, I validate them, and now allow myself to feel them.
I am leaving the class stronger, equipped with better tools to help my self and others. I am optimistically looking forward to the Skills two class to build on this basic platform. If how much we learned this class is only the beginning, I cannot fathom how much I can improve as a person and a counsellor to-be with Skills two and three.
