We are three weeks into my year long counselling program. At the end of it I should see myself with a diploma in general counselling and a supplementary certificate for intimacy and relationships.
I chose courses only available in person, despite having the option of electives that were more interesting and more suitable for my focus. At my late age, I know the kind of person that I am, and I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses. Therefore I know for a fact that I distract easy and am less likely to engage and put in the work with an online distance class, where no one is there to monitor me and keep me in check.
I need the accountability piece of waking up in the morning and having somewhere to be. A set start time and the consistency that an instructor with taking attendance gives. Not to mention participation markers are an easy 10% of the grade.
My first course was cognitive behavior, I was the only student in this intimate room of 10, who had not taken additional courses previous to, or studied a similar topic in the past.
My only experience of post secondary study is University, so I immediately assumed it would be the same pace, given the described intensity and shorter length of the program. It was advertised as full-time studies with three weeks dedicated to a single course. A total of 17 courses to clear in total.
Majority of the other students were looking at their last handful of classes and were already talking about practicum and looking for work. Even more were taking their studies further into a Masters. And here I was not quite sure what would come of this after. It definitely peaked my anxiety as my coping strategy has always been avoidance, to focus on what is before me, in hopes of surviving the future when it came a-knocking. But in true avoidance fashion, that would be a deep dive for another day.
The first day was an introduction, going over the syllabus and realizing that we had projects do, assignments to hand in and an exam to write, each of which was 30% of our grade.
Although the individual days felt long, the course flew by quick. We were asked to read ahead, going over the respective material the night before, and completing worksheets to check for understanding. Then the following day, as a class, we would answer chapter questions, and the instructor would unpack anything that needed clarifying.
The first couple of days I did my dutiful student responsibility and took notes as I read. Three hours to clear 30 pages, while trying to memorize all the terms. Sadly, I had long lost the ability to retain and cram for an exam. And the text was written from an academic standpoint. Tiny print, minimal media, and words I had to ask Siri to define.
Thankfully, a large part of class, actually half of the day was spent practicing our counselling skills. We were split into dyads and given time to counsel one another in private session rooms. The goal was to practice all that we learned the night before and the morning of. Doing so using the worksheets assigned for homework and our own provided examples.
Truthfully, I used this as an actual counselling session, and did somewhat retire my own personal counsellor. I did this deciding I was already doing the work in class anyways, and all “counsellored out” as a result. Thankfully, she understood, although supporting your client is the responsibility of a good counsellor.
I was able to relate the material to my emotions daily. And therefore able to retain the subject matter based on how it corresponded to my here and now. I spent this time unpacking history and built-up trauma. It gave my student counsellor some insight into my being, thus allowing them to be more effective in their real-life coaching. This is the “therapeutic alliance”, trusting that your intimate thoughts would stay between you two, and that they have your best intentions at heart.
A lot of my anxieties stemmed from the class itself. The stress I put on to myself to achieve and do well, coupled with my perceived inability to keep up. However, we learn to check for expectations and define what doing well and keeping up meant. This was used to compare it to the actual class expectations.
I took a couple of strained evenings, where I had to cancel all my social obligations, to realize I was doing more than what was asked of me. For example, we only had to do three out of a chapter’s worth of worksheets, and I had been doing them all. I used my new cognitive reasoning skills to realize that doing more than the asked of amount would not give me more gains. However, not doing them would actually help me balance school and downtime.
What I didn’t expect how tired I would be. Even getting more sleep than I did when I worked, I was still tired Monday to Friday. Despite taking on less events and opportunities that not only gave me more time to study, but rest as well. I underestimated how much mental work this would be. Between trying to memorize terms and land concepts, but also giving myself into the counselling practice between revealing a lot of my personal life as a client and taking on more emotional quotient as the would-be counsellor.
The work itself is taxing. There is no way to anticipate the sessions. How it would go? How the client would response? And what you had to give to them. This had me clamouring for the weekend more than usual. My brain needed the downtime. It craved rest and the need to not think. Smoking helped with this greatly. Being able to shut down safety in the presence of my partner. Two days to recharge and to be able to face another week. Reflecting that without this I would not be able to keep up with the pace.
Although much of my worries further lessened after my co-students informed me that the exam will be open book. That all the exams for all the courses will be open book as the faculty do not expect you to remember all the terms. And frankly said, that it is an impossible undertaking. I was also informed that the test will cover questions assigned with the readings, and so long as we are highlighting the answers in our book as discussed and shown in class, I need not worry about the memorizing all the terms. And looking around the room, no one else did.
Just checking on understanding and expectations certainly helped to defeat some worry. However, it was replaced with the need to complete my presentation project and my under estimating the worth of my work. I was given comfort in knowing that this was not a University level academic class. That the instructors understand that all the students are adults with families and jobs,and that this course is designed to be manageable. So I assumed that the project undertaking would be as well.
However, that was not the case and after dedicated evening of project research, and PowerPoint creation, I was only 25% complete. And I still had to complete the daily reading and assignments. Thankfully, I was able to reach out to our instructor and have them push all the presentations back a day, this not only accommodate myself, but a guest speaker that would be coming in as well.
And here, once again learning about intrusive thoughts and worry helped me get through my anxiety and was the start to learning healthy coping skills for the future. What seems like obvious solutions and a commonsense way of thinking, may not be so easily deduced when you are in the moment.
Recognizing that I have options, and a history of never failing or submitting work in late, calmed by nerves. In fact, I was able to finish my project the next day, and if I had to, I could have presented on the originally assigned due date, the day after. As such, I then had another full evening and afternoon to review the work and practice presenting. And best of all I was able to keep my only one scheduled evening of entertainment and fun.
So I must say, although the classes are challenging and the topics dense, they have given me skills to not only help myself during this period, but are also useful for my day-to-day living, and ultimately will be beneficial for all that I intend to council when I graduate.
With renewed energy and the belief that even though I might not necessarily end up counselling or having my own private practice, the skills I am learning here and now will not only serve me well personality, but in all my future relationships as well.
In actuality, having undergone 30 hours of practice counseling, at this point, I don’t necessarily think the one on one sessions, and the guiding role is one suited for myself. It might prove challenging to subdue my naturally more jubilant personality. In truth, in this undertaking, I have realized I want to be a sex educator (what I have always wanted, but now think I actually can). Whether it is teaching grade school, children the birds and the bees or hosting workshops to educate women how to orgasm, or even guide a couple into the first foray of BDSM. However, the communication skills and ability to counsel someone and teach them how to be their own therapist is something that will serve me in this endeavor.
I look forward to learning more counselling techniques, and finding my own style, taking into consideration my personality.
