In my second counselling course out of 16, we are learning about Psychosocial Development. This is how a person’s life through distinct stages defines their personality. It takes from Freud and other theories, highlighting 10 different stages. At each stage a person encounters a crisis, and depending on how they cope, can lead to the desired prime adaptive ego quality or a core pathology. The former is ideal and allows to what is basically a “level up” (in gaming terms). The latter is more like a road block that needs to be cleared. If not within the current stage, it requires a back track to do so at a later one.
The following is my personal account of going through all stages to my current one. It is taken from my self reflection paper, that is worth 30% of my grade.
I originally thought I would go into writing this as a way to air out my dirty laundry, to account for all the grievances I had as a child and all the perceived miss treatments that I felt have led me to becoming the person that that I am today.
However, what I did not realize was that through the theory, I learned that am actually a fairly well adapted person. That I have been highly successful at overcoming the crisis. Since writing this paper, I have a new found appreciation for my parents and the upbringing that I was given. I have now realized that the issues that still stand are rooted elsewhere, and will most likely be brought up in subsequent courses.
But for now, I would like to take the win here.
Stage 1: Infancy (first 24 months)
Admittedly, I do not remember too much from this stage of life. What I know is based off of photos and stories from my “5th” aunt, as the family’s unofficial historian. My mother is the last out of six daughters and two sons. The youngest of eight children, and I am her first born. By the time I came around babies and grandchildren were no longer a new trend and there was plenty of grandparents, aunts, and cousins around to help with my childcare.
My mother is an entire generation apart from her older sister, so she spent a greater part of her childhood raising her nieces and nephews, who in turn returned the favour by babysitting me. Unfortunately maternity leave in Brunei (where we lived and I grew up) is only a month, so my parents had no choice, but to return to work shortly after my birth. Not to mention, my extended family was not well off, so money making was a necessity.
I reached out to my “historian aunt” to help fill in some blanks during this time of my life and the next. The following is taken from her account. We were living in Brunei for my first 24 months and beyond. There, we had the support of my mother’s large 7 sibling family and their kids, as well as my father’s two siblings and their smaller 1-2 children families. My historian aunt was able to recall individual stories that spoke to all the attention I received for my older cousins and how they fawned over me.
According to her whenever my mom needed to go to the bank or needed to do some shopping in town, she left me at my grandmother’s house for 2-3 hours at a time. During this time my aunts and cousins needed to distract me so that I would not cry or try to look for my parents. I had successfully developed mutuality with my caregivers.
At this stage, an infant faces the psychosocial crisis of trust versus mistrust. This is where they form attachments for their primary caregiver. They reach out for their attention, which ultimately forms bonds that determines their future attachment styles. Considering how much accessible caregiving I received, and my reaction to not having my parents nearby, I can safely surmise that I developed the prime adaptive ego quality of hope, coupled with a secure attachment style. I was known to be happy with positive emotions, I was loved and felt safe. I had the ability to find comfort and seek the support of not only my primary caregivers, but of all those around me. This would continue on to the next stage of my development.
This I believe this would also later influence my further relationships where I have a secure attachment style. This is loving myself and having the willingness to invest and reciprocate love to a partner. I have had six in my life time and to each I gave them my heart, and have always treated them as well as they treated.
I came out of the this stage’s psychosocial crisis with the prime adaptive ego quality of hope, shaking off the core pathology of withdrawal. I believed this hope continued to blossom as I became increasingly outspoken and extraverted.
I have always held a sunny disposition, with a willingness to try new things win or lose. I am the first to volunteer for anything, and have taken on challenging roles without training or experience. Through hard work and sheer will I have achieved personal goals with great success that I can look back and be proud of.
In my later adolescence I ran away from home without any money in my bank. Through the help of friends and my (at the time) boyfriend’s mother I was able to find my own place, work two jobs to put a roof over my head, and food on my plate. All this while living a fulfilled and fun life, sowing my wild oats at night clubs. I do not feel I missed out on the young adult experience by leaving home, at such a young age for my culture.
In my early adulthood I was tasked as the interim General Manager of Chapters Granville, and despite being down two fully trained managers, we not only survived the holiday season under my leadership, but increased year over year sales because of it.
Both examples are highly stressful scenarios that I do not believe I could have overcame if I did not have hope. This is the ability to think of one or more paths to achieve either goal, coupled with the belief in my own ability to move towards said goal. All which I developed the foundation of at the infancy stage.
Stage 2: Toddlerhood (ages 2-4)
My aunt was able to tell me great stories of my toddlerhood. During this time I still did not want my mother to go to work, even when she explained to me that she needed to work, so that she could make money and get me shampoo, which I asked for and wanted.
During this stage I crossed off the developmental tasks of elaboration of locomotion and language development. I was able dance and communicate my intentions and desires, as in the examples below. I also had plenty of fantasy play, in which I had my cousins and aunts participate in. And I showed self control, the willing to wait for my mother’s return with the eventual rewards of shampoo, above.
There were a handful of stories on how happy and vibrant I was. How my cousins liked to play and tease me. Where they performed for me, making funny faces and movements in order to make me laugh. My aunt especially liked the story of how I danced on the sofa and asked for an audience, and how I demanded that she sang to me before bed, but would complain that she was out of tune.
For the most part my grandmother on my father’s side took care of me by day and my mother did the rest at night. As her first born, my mother did love me. When a cat scratched me and drew blood on my tiny toes, she scolded my aunt for letting it happen. She got upset at my grandmother for giving me salt through condiments, when she thought I was still too young for any. She would fuss over how much I ate, using a scale to measure out portions precisely, despite her older sisters teasing her for it. These are all stories I did not know of before researching this paper, and therefore did not realize that she loved me this much as she did.
During this time my younger brother was born. He is three years younger than me. Over the years my aunt has recalled the story of how I met my brother. We were in the hospital, waiting for his birth, and as soon as it was announced, I began to cry. My aunt brought me out into the courtyard, where I let out a giant yell and wailed; visibly distraught over his new existence. My aunt said it was probably due to jealousy, knowing I would get less attention going forward. Little did I know, this would the first step on a downward spiral relationship between my brother and I.
The psychosocial crisis at the toddlerhood stage is autonomy versus shame and doubt, with the prime adaptive ego quality being will and the core pathology, compulsion.
Based on my aunt’s stories I believe I went in the direction of the positive pole. I showed a lot of autonomy expressing what I liked and did not, fostered my parent’s support. They offering explanation and rationale for behavioural requests, like why I had to let them go to work. They allowed me to engage in the activities I wanted, and urged me to try things I might not have been ready for. It sounded like I had plenty of will, the capacity of the mind to direct and control my own actions.
I have always liked the colour green and when playing with my best friend at the time, I did not have to fight with her for the green coloured pencils or candies as she preferred red and orange. I refused to dress myself saying it was too hard, but decided what I wanted others to put on me. I enjoyed watching the Muslim prayers on television, but my father did not. So he and I would cross paths in the corridor, as he left the living room when they started and ran for 2-3 minutes, and I would come out of the bedroom to watch them as he did.
I still do not remember much from this time, but such stories lead me to believe that I had as much self-confidence and was as opinionated then, as I am today.
Now in my middle adulthood I enjoy my will, allowing me to press harder in competition, work to surpass previous achievements, and reach for new goals. All free of compulsion and rituals and their associated fears.
I have been blogging and reporting on the Vancouver food, drink, and lifestyle scene for over 12 years now. I started this hobby before there were social medial influencers and have continued to grow my website, expanding my audience and reach. I was one of the first food bloggers to pave the way for the world of digital creators that exist in Vancouver today. Every day I continue I put myself online, unabashedly without shame or doubt, to freely and proudly speak my truth, while maintaining my integrity. All of which I believe requires a strong sense of self and plenty of confidence that I learned the foundation for at this stage.
Stage 3: Early School (ages 4-6)
My early school age saw lots of life changes as my brother entered his toddlerhood and earned his own autonomy, and our family moved from our strong support system in Brunei to trying to find a new life in Canada.
We lived with our 4th aunt in Vancouver when we first moved, then spent a year in Calgary, before returning to Vancouver having finding our own home.
In truth, I do not know much about my parents. They never freely offered any information and my brother and I never thought to ask. We also did not have much quality time to do so growing up. I do not remember family game nights, and can only recall less than a handful of outings and trips together. I do remember watching lots of television shows in my parent’s bed room, where we sat at the foot of their bed.
It was only three years ago that my father revealed that he carried the burden of bringing his entire family: mother, father, brother with his wife and their two children to Canada. Everyone sacrificed money, their careers, and individual lives so that my dad could move to Canada, land a high-paying engineering job, then sponsor everyone thereafter. He was successful, and they moved into our house, sharing the bottom floor. Then, when my brother and I entered elementary school, my grandparents were tasked with walking us to and from school, and taking care of us as our parents worked.
As new immigrants my parents both worked long hours to prove their worth. My mother also took English as a second language courses at the local community college after work. She was busy, but still managed to cook for us every day. I remember shared meals together around the dinner table with our assigned seating. For breakfast we always had vitamins and a glass of milk. For dinner three courses that included soup and a dessert. I do not recall conversations, but I still crave the dishes she made. Flour dumplings with tiny salted fish, Laksa noodle soup, tuna fish and gherkin pickle salad rolls, spam and egg sandwiches, and steamed rice rolls.
At this stage I was enrolled in pre-school, kindergarten, and grade one. Where I was able to identify my gender and establish a self-theory, while playing with my brother and older cousin, as well as kids my own age.
The psychosocial crisis at this stage is initiative versus guilt, where identification of self is clarified in the context of interactions with significant others. At this stage the prime adaptive ego quality is purpose and the core pathology is inhibition.
In Canada I was no longer the centre of attention and my brother was old enough to garner his own. We were neighbours with, and raised alongside my cousin, who is a year older than me. Our parents dressed us alike and called us sisters, thus making me the forgotten middle child, the “Jan Brandy” of the family.
I was driven by my desire to be noticed and loved by my mother, like how it was in Brunei. This I believe led me to the core pathology of inhibition. I recall being a shy child, growing into the quiet middle role. My brother, cousin and I would play cops and robbers, and I remember always being the latter and spending the most time locked in the closet “jail”. I did not like it, but never complained.
I remember my childhood feeling lonely and being lost in the shuffle. My brother and I literally got lost in the dessert and it felt like hours before my parents noticed and came to find us. I was once sick and threw up on myself, but told not to move, so spent what felt like the entire night sleeping in vomit. This feeling of unwanted-ness by my once doting mother would only grow and continued to be a theme into my adolescence.
I found myself trying to be a “good girl” to earn her affection and praise, and I worked hard to outshine my brother. I would obey my parent’s rules without question and was not rewarded for my efforts. Whereas my brother skirted the rules and saw no consequences. When I brought up the topic of fairness up, I was told that “life is not fair”.
This resulted in me growing into a guilt-prone child who did not get the validation I needed, not knowing how to earn the attention I now lost. I recall being told that even though they may love my brother more, I should be happy because I am older, so they have loved me longer and therefore more.
The result is me not engaging in risky behaviour during much of my early adolescence, and now in my middle adulthood I am still afraid of getting in trouble or being corrected my anyone with authority.
This I believe eventually lead me into having an anxious and preoccupied attachment style during my first and second later adolescent relationships. This is where I felt I could not find love, and when I actually did, that they would easily trade me in for a prettier face. I was needy and jealous, constantly looking for approval. I had to be told I was loved and desirable, often using sex as an indicator of such.
It was not until I started giving myself all the love I needed, and found support in a community of my peers and friends during my adolescence, that I once again dawn my mantle of self confidence and assuredness.
Stage 4: Middle Childhood (aged 6-12)
It was in middle childhood that I started building my own self esteem outside of our family home. I had many friends and got along with most of my classmates in school. I joined clubs and attended extra circular activities in school and out of school at my parents behest. We kept busy and learned lots, the central process was education and we were exposed to much of it.
At this stage the psychosocial crisis is industry versus inferiority and my parents did well to set us up for success. We were enrolled in numerous after school programs and lessons. Each new skill gave me a degree of independence, new responsibilities, and a heightened my sense of worth. Lessons and classes like Chinese school, art classes, math tutoring, swimming lessons, ice skating lessons, and karate for self defence. My mother gave us the opportunity to try and learn new things, like she never got to.
Through all the above we checked off the developmental tasks of skill learning, team play, self evaluation, friendship, and concrete operations.
Here, my self esteem grew with every awards sticker, every good grade, and every glowing report card. I was an overachiever, hot listed for enrichment programs. When I was not recognized for such, I made sure to get their attention. I recalled my teacher not assigning me intermediate level reading, and when I asked why she explained the amount of work and its difficulty. I would then spend that following weekend reading each of the assigned books, three in two days to prove my worth and to earn my spot.
My self worth peaked when I was accepted into a UBC program at the age of twelve. This would have allowed me to compete high school in two years instead of five, which then would have fast tracked me into university. However my mother knew I did not have that lifestyle and work ethnic in me, and campaigned for me and my wishes of having a “normal” high school experience.
I came out of it believing in myself and knowing how competent I was. I realized that when I put effort into my work, I would rank within the top three, if not first place. Not that it was a competition, but I placed my value on where I ranked, compared to everyone else; and how it made my parents happy and proud of me.
This would continue on into my early adolescence. Even as a chubby teen, who was self conscious of her weight (after our family doctor grabbed my midriff with both hands and called me obese at the age of fourteen), I even found success in Physical Education. Just participating, my efforts not only earned me an A, but I was often given the title of team captain to inspire others.
I fully believe I came out of this stage with the prime adaptive ego quality of competence, and not the core pathology of inertia. I would continue to perform well in school, enrolling in all the enrichment programs, participating in all the sports teams, extra curricular clubs, as well as volunteering in reading and mentoring programs all throughout high school.
This would later help to establish my work ethic and my ability to succeed. Where I climbed the company ladder at The Bay, (my first retail job), and earned upper management titles and ranking that I continued to build on as I applied to larger companies and achieved there. This was done through experience and hard work, thanks to my established need to achieve success, with the resolution of the psychosocial crisis of industry versus
inferiority. I walked out of this stage with strong sense of competence and an ability to make sense and master the demands of a situation that would serve me well all throughout my career.
This boom in success also helped me to earn my prime adaptive ego quality of purpose, that I missed in the last stage. I no longer solely relied on my parents for feedback and praise. I felt my own sense of pride in doing well and achieving. I now knew what I was good at and what I was capable of, and ready to explore more of each in adolescence.
Stage 5: Early alAdolescence (ages 12-18)
At this stage the psychosocial crisis is group identity versus alienation. As a teen in high school I did not find myself bound to one specific group, but took on the identity of many, often rotating my time and interests, as I continued trying new activities and picking up new hobbies. This was fostered as I took Chinese paint brush classes, archery, and joined the basketball and trivia teams at school. I got into anime and video games, and even built my own website dedicated to them, by teaching myself and others HTML code.
My body was developing physically and my brain was developing more formal thought. I found attraction in boys my age and matured emotionally to handle the feelings. I also found membership in a peer group that continued to help foster my sense of self. I do not believe I was ever peer pressured into anything, but was more often the one doing the peer pressuring. I was the person getting others to participate in activities I found enjoyable or worthy.
For example, I sold my entire graduating year and the teachers custom sculpted and painted rocks that my friend made. We used this money to purchase our graduation dresses, and I remembered thinking how great I was in sales. This probably led me to my eventual first career in retail sales and sales management.
My affiliated groups were as diverse as my interests and I bounced around during lunch, based on what I wanted to do that break. It was not until my senior year that I found my core group. A band of misfits with as carefree attitudes and diverse interests as my own. We participated in the talent show as the The Village People, dressed up as clowns for the community block party, helped to organized a mocktail competition at school, we even had our own group newspaper circulating.
I never once felt alienated and gained the prime adaptive ego quality of fidelity to others. This by-passing the core pathology of dissociation, and not withdrawing from others. I had loyalty to this group, as we were not bound by ethnicity or hobbies, but the desire to try new things and do everything. I had a good sense of group belonging as we spent weekdays after school and the occasional weekend together. They helped to meet my need to be social and allowed me to express my social self.
It was not until we graduated and went off to our separate universities and collages did we disband. After, I found others more aligned with where I was literally and mentally to unite with. This process would continue as I changed work places and pursued different interests. In my current middle adulthood I spend most of my free time with food and drink writers. Others who create content and put themselves online. We do not make plans to hang out, but are often happy to see one another when we get invited to the same event.
Stage 6: Later Adolescence (ages 18 – 24)
The developmental task at this stage lists autonomy from parents and career choice, both of which I fell into as I ran away from home and had to find work. I learned to make my own decisions and develop my own internalized morality. I would later in the stage cemented my gender identity through the men I met and dated, and further it with the ones I loved and was intimate with.
I continued to enjoy my robust social life that I fostered from my varied interests and large group of friends. Although started longing for more time and freedom from my domineering mother and absent father, who wanted me to stay at home more, “like my brother”. So I began lying to them to not have to ask for permission and rebelling to be able do what I wanted. This lawless behaviour eventually had them cracking down on my freedom, and in order to avoid being locked in my own home, I fled from theirs. Here, in my later adolescence I had to deal with the psychosocial crisis of individual identity versus identity confusion head on.
Being on my own, I quickly encountered many responsibilities, pressures, and the conflicts of adult life. I found myself committing to my identity at the time, to help navigate through it all. Conquering this period is one of my greatest successes, one that I can now contribute to the strong start I had and all the confidence building factors I encountered through each stage.
I was living alone for the very first time. Having ran away, I no longer had a safety net or support system. I was responsible for my own well being and had no time to be confused. I dropped out of university and leaned on what I had learned and my natural talents to survive. I leveraged my connections and got my first two jobs in order to make ends meet. I relied on my social personality and worked my way up the retail corporate ladder to obtain titles and designations for a better life and more opportunities. I went from department head to assistant manger, then general manager and district manager in my early adulthood. It was not about where I saw myself in the future, but what I could do now to maximize my present.
This time of my life was very much so defined by the central process of role experimentation as I jumped into the first career that fell into my lap and expanded in every direction that it took me. This included a stint in the service and restaurant industry, a role in event planing, and hiring and retention manger. This eventually lead to an Operations Manager role in the transportation industry and Outside Sales in my early adulthood.
The prime adaptive eagle quality at this stage is fidelity to values, with the core pathology being repudiation. I believe I achieved the former as I reached the career milestones I set for myself and learned to stand up for myself in the process. My forward approach and honest dialogue earned the respect of both my managers and the employees under me. I was appreciated from both ends and was treated respectfully by everyone. I would carry this level of communication with me into my later stages as I am still known as the “honest one” who tells it like it is within the blogging and reporting community.
Stage 7: Early Adulthood (age 24-35)
This stage of life saw my first two attempts at cohabitating with a partner, all while working, and learning how to balance it and life. My career was set for the time, given my head start. I was comfortable earning money and had created a good life for myself, so was in the market to find someone to share it with. This was when online dating was a trend and I gave it a quick go.
The psychosocial crisis at this stage is intimacy versus isolation and although both relationships did not work out, I believe I still left the stage with the prime adaptive ego quality of love, as opposed to the core pathology of exclusivity.
I have had six long-term relationships in my life and with each I truly believe I loved the person I was with then, based on who I was then. However, as I continued to grow and learn about myself, either they could not keep up, or we grew in opposite directions, thus ending in a termination of the relationship.
It is from these experiences that I learned what it is that I am looking for in an intimate relationship. That is, a partner that helps to promote my self fulfillment, one where we reassure one another of the possibility of achieving our goals, and are encouraging our own self actualization.
It is now that I am in my most healthiest relationship, where we are both individuals with her own desires and aspirations, that can easily come together to support one another. We are able to communicate honestly and hold each other accountable. Not only do I feel loved unconditionally, but adored enough to exalt him.
Even alone in my own space, I do not feel loneliness, knowing that he will be there for me should I need him. We do not live together but spend the entire weekend with one another. I have never wanted children and he is okay with that.
It is through this intimacy and support in my current middle adulthood that I have the courage to start anew and go back to school to pursue a career and a dream that I never got to in my later adolescence.
It is with this man that I have a secure attachment style with, and he in turn has the same with me.
Stage 8: Middle Adulthood (ages 34-60)
It is now at my current stage of life that I have begun thinking about my career and how to manage it as per one of the developmental tasks of middle adulthood.
I am in a committed intimate relationship and continue to nurture it, while we explore managing a shared household on the weekends.
The central process is person – environment interaction and creativity. As I reflect on my life and work on myself, I am acknowledging my wish to have a better relationship with my mother. We started seeing a family counsellor within this stage, and although the results were not what I was hoping for, I at least have a better understanding of her. I am now able to forgive her for a lot of the anger I have held on to for so long. These were individual incidents that have shaped my existence that she cannot recall. I have learned to understand her and am working to accept her for not being able to or wanting to change.
At this stage, the psychosocial crisis is generativity versus stagnation. Although I have no plans of starting a family or even marriage, I do not feel stagnated. I am working on my personal growth as I am in my mid-life crisis and am undergoing a career change.
The prime adaptive ego quality is care and the core pathology is rejectivity. I care through my social imprint, my reconnecting with my family, and growing my relationship with my partner.
I am also continuing to foster my creativity and interact with the community as a grassroots reporter, offering insights to experiences and reviews of local restaurants and events. I am accessible via my blog and social media platforms, interacting with many who approach me in person and message me online.
Given the life change from full time work to full time student, it does not necessary feel like I am progressing through this stage, but pausing to revisit my later adolescence. Instead of being forced to take a career, I am now choosing it through counselling courses at VCCT.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I am thankful that I got to write this paper, to be able to use it as look back at my life through Erikson’s life stages and dissect it for what it really is.
I thought I would be writing a paper, airing out my closet and bringing to light all the ways I thought I was mistreated or slighted growing up. Instead, I realized they did not fuel my upbringing and that I am actually a very successful and well adjusted individual, outside of my schemas on family love and parenting. None of the feelings of loneliness or my longing for attention really affected my development, and it shows through all my achievements and successes. For example, my ability to break away from my parents when I was younger and make something on my own. How I learned life skills and survival skills through trial and error, and was able to build a career and name for myself with an incomplete post secondary education.
As such Erickson’s theory definitely resonated for me. The only other theory that may be as good of a fit is Sociocultural theory, where societal and cultural influences affect how we develop, think, feel, and behave. As a quasi-first generation Chinese immigrant (I was not born in Canada, but immigrated young enough to have North American culture be all that I know), my parent’s culture has played a large toll in our upbringing. Much of my extracurricular advantages were provided based on my mother’s wish to give us better than what she had. She had a strong desire to push education and a better future as the immigrant’s dream. At the same time, there was an heavy emphasis on achievement and doing well to elevate our individual, and by association family’s status. This is where I broke away from the traditions and not doing what is expected. Not listening to my father as a “good daughter”. Not taking all the sciences in high school, not pursuing higher education, not living at home until marriage, not marrying, not having children, and going into the highly stigmatized occupation of sales. I distinctly recalled my father saying he was the most proudest of me when I got an entry level position at FedEx, as a globally recognizable company. That this pride was only second to me breaking up with my (at the time) long term, cohabitating boyfriend. Erikson’s theory did not have me revisiting any of those experiences that I am sure also shaped me to who I am today.
Nonetheless I met with each crisis at each stage, and thanks to my strong start in life, (where I developed a secure attachment style early on), I was able to cope and obtain the desired ego quality. And now thanks to this self-reflection paper I can finish my current stage and then move into the next one with new found gusto and belief in myself.
