Under this happy facade is a scared and sad little girl. I was first made aware of her existence through my counselling sessions.
My counsellor pointed out that, although in age and body I am a full-fledged adult, capable of making my own decisions; there also exists this little girl within me who is constantly at odds with her adult self.
A little girl that is afraid to get in trouble and afraid of what her parents may think, so is constantly second-guessing and chastising the adult self for the decisions I make. This also includes what I do to curate my own happiness, which often goes against my perceived wishes of my parents.
Chalk it up to me running away from home young, never having a close relationship with either my mother or my father, or the unrequited love and care that I thought I deserved as a child. Whatever the case is, this duality has hindered me my entire life, to the point now where I am so worn and so raw that she easily escapes the confines I put her in, and the result is me crying over the littlest detail when it comes to the topic of family.
So at my mid life, I am now on a journey to help comfort and heal this child, a task no one can perform but myself. This has brought me to the decision to go back to school to pursue a career in something that I would actually enjoy, realizing that it is not too late. And now this journey has brought me to the threshold of a psychologist for a formal diagnosis.
What started off the desire to obtain ADHD medication to help me focus in school has now become a journey of self discovery. As recommended by my counselor, and financed by my mother, who believes that we should seek out the treatment from the best. Both agreed that this was not done for me as a child, so not only will I be tested for ADHD, but a whole slew of possible mental illnesses while we are at it. I think of it like a buy one get one free diagnosis. I go in for one and potentially come out with a handful of others I didn’t know I had, and didn’t know I needed to be treated for.
Normally, I would never spend this much for any treatment. What begin as a $1,300 quote balloon to $1,475 as the psychologist who specializes in ADHD, explained his fees associated. Not only will we be paying for the time he would need to administer various tests, but also for the time it takes to gather and put together the results. Six sessions that includes intake and debriefing. However, after the first visit, and being able to maximize what time we had, he declared that we could do the intake after the first two testing sessions, and save me some money there. Thank goodness because my extended benefits at the time only covered $500 total.
Admittedly, I did not have full confidence in him walking in. He works out of a shared office space like WeWork. One room with desk, couch, and slew of personal affects. I filled all the necessary paperwork online before, so we needn’t spent time on that, and instead were able to jump right in.
However, he himself was not prepared. After offering an introduction, he explained that he was waiting for a call and may need to pick it up during our one hour session. This rubbed me the wrong way as he is charging $220 for an hour and I planned to use every minute of it. Thankfully, it never came to that, but I had to ask the question if it did and it did cut into our time, would it cut the cost as well? The answer, no.
The first season would test my concentration abilities. A primitive, but apparently very founded program that gauges attention span based on clicking a button. The was a rogram loaded onto a special computer that needed to be plugged in and set up. One that he did not prepare ahead of time, and I had to watch him fumble around for the cord to do so.
On the screen was a white square, and within that square, a smaller black one located at either the top of the white or the bottom. The goal was to click the button each time the little black square appeared at the top.
I didn’t realize the first run was just a test, where I scored a perfect 16 out of 16. I believe it only lasted for a minute or two, but I felt like 10.
The actual test is 20 minutes long. The same activity of clicking the handheld button as soon as the black square appeared at the top of the white square. The goal is to do it as fast as possible, but to actually see it before clicking.
I believe I started out strong, but was quick to wane with distraction, thinking on something that happened the day before, and just looking forward to what I have to do later. I also found myself counting the number of times the black square appeared at the bottom before appearing on the top and this had me pushing the button prematurely and incorrectly. The worst was, I caught myself nodding off twice. Not quite sleep, but my eyes were open, and I was unconscious, sort of.
Regardless, the results would be valid, leaning towards my self diagnosis of ADHD.
For the rest of the session, he asked me questions, and I answered. This would be in place of the intake session, he asked me about my upbringing, trying to pinpoint any traumas. Lots of open ended, probing questions like if I have been in a car accident, in a life or death situation, or sexually abused. I was honest and telling him that I truly have lived very blessed life and have been spared plenty of hardships. Although, now upon reflection, forgot to mention that I did see my grandmother pass away in the basement of our childhood home, a suite that I would later move into for half a year.
And although I have been in car accidents, they were never serious. Seven backends that resulted in back, hip, and neck pain; but I came out unscathed for the most part.
And that, like every other traditional Asian child, I was spanked as an adolescent, but never sexually assaulted. Pains and memories I was able to wash away. None of which as painful as the emotional trauma I still carry with me today. Of which he was able to see, as a readily cried just trying to recall these accounts.
When asked about the emotional trauma, I was able to recall the most prolific incident, one that has shaped me and the relationship with my family. On the eve of my 14th birthday, my four person family was planning a camping trip, a first for us all. We had spent the time and money purchasing all the necessary gear from tents to lanterns, and even the popcorn that you heat up over a live fire.
However, my dad had to cancel, excepting a business trip to Hong Kong. So I spent my birthday at home, not celebrating, not engaging in the activity I was promised and had been looking forward to. I knew then of my importance.
And I am not sure of the exact time, as dates are quite fuzzy. But I remember my dad returning from Hong Kong trip with souvenirs for both my brother and I. Whereas he got the first ever Nintendo Gameboy, I was gifted a mini stationary set with tiny scissors and a matching letter opener. I complained about the discrepancy on fairness, but only got my Gameboy a year later.
As I poured my heart out, the psychologist validated and took notes, stopping when our time had allotted, promising to continue next week when I would get my brain scan.
My second session had me missing a day of work in order to compete the test between the hours of 9am to 1pm, like that of the first. This is to keep the variables as consistent, for the most reliable results between myself and the control group.
Once again, the unpreparedness of the psychologist irked me. I am always early for my appointments and check in as soon as I get there. The Doctor always comes out right on time as to not give me a minute more than what I am paying for. And today on our second encounter he came out 2 minutes late, only to excuse himself to use the washroom. Once again a minute or five makes a difference when you are paying $220 for one hour, and can’t afford to be spending money like this in the first place.
Much like the previous concentration test, I would also be pushing a button for 20 minutes. This time listening for a difference in sound. Between beep and boops, only clicking on the former trying to capture the higher pitch.
Similar to the first session it was a challenge to keep focus with my mind drifting and myself nodding off. This is even with the Doctor in the room observing. Both results would be shared in comparison on day 4.
Day 3 was the brain scan. A speciality cap with holes and nodes was adhered to my forehead and head. I was told that I have a “large” head by measurement. The head piece leaves marks on your forehead and you get a head full of gel, in order to help the nodes read your brain activity through your scalp.
These were placed specifically and gingerly to ensure the most accurate reading. They were then secured by said gel that had to be ground in via said holes. The process was uncomfortable and painful: stabbing and scraping which had me wincing. And because I did, the Doctor l had to do it twice, elongating my suffering. But at the end he was able to make it work and get the readings he needed.
I was expecting to be asked a barrage of questions to see how my brain would react to them, instead the whole session was about focusing on a point with your eyes opened and shut. It was hard for me to keep my eyes forward as still, as I found myself drifting again.
In the end the Doctor had to pull out the cot and have me lie down, to improve the reading. Like much of his office the cot was not clean. (My now previous job was in outside sales for a commercial cleaning company, so I have come out of it hyper aware of sanitation and details.) The cot was stained and speckled with loose hairs. He laid down a folded felt blanket for my head. He saw the hairs that covered it and flipped it over, only to see just as many on the back side; but he let it stand.
I should have said something, but the people pleaser in me let it slide, figuring I was wearing a cap anyway. In hindsight the cap was probably never cleaned as well. But I was asked to come in with out any products in my hair. As well as having not drank or smoked for 48 hours before, for the most accurate, un-brain altering results.
I swore I was able to feel the waves pass through my head and wriggle through my brain, leaving it throbbing and achy. 10-15 minutes of silence later this session was done.
The fourth would have been a slew of multiple choice tests. Over 500 behavioural questions that I was asked to answer truthfully. I was able to do this at home and brought the completed pages in to be graded. All of which, the Doctor did not charge me for, yet again saving me money on another session. I was grateful.
The fourth and final appointment was the review of my clinical results. He went over each exam and how to read the scoring.
To summarize I have symptoms of anxiety and agitation, which is on the borderline of severe to moderate. This is based on how I filled out the questionnaire, which was over the course of the last week. The results track as I am quickly approaching my last day of work and my first day of school. The key points that pinged were “Difficultly breathing”, “Sweating”, and “The feeling of doom”. This led into the onset of depression with checked off statements like “Feeling like a failure as a person”.
Agitation was also high with “Trouble with indecisiveness”, feeling “Worthless as compared to others”, and being “Irritable”; all of which are consistent with anxiety. This does change week by week and by circumstances. And once again where I am in my life with altering changes, this tracks, along with signs of stress.
I was on the normal scale for the other mental illnesses like avoidance, obsession, compulsion, phobia, mania, paranoia, schizophrenic, border line personality disorder, antisocial, alcohol & drug abuse, OCD, and traumatic stress (PTSD). I have no aggression, no psychopathy, and no suicidal tendencies.
I do have a “Butteryfly mind” that flutters, I am impatience, and can be seen as demanding. I am impulsive and self critical, but have strong interpersonal skills and is seen as being warm and sympathetic to others, as I am also quick to forgive.
The concentration test helped to finite my ADHD results. I landed a score of -3.53, which was more hyperactivity impulsivity and not just day dreamy ADHD.
I had no problem with the speed of the test, but was guilty of commission errors: hitting the button when I was not suppose to, which leans towards the impulsivity results.
I did better with the visual test over the audio, even though impulsive was not an issue on the audio test.
The brainwave results made the whole four day process worth it. It tracks alpha waves as the main waves for cognitive behaviour. An active and healthy brain will show mostly green alpha waves in the scan results. This was the case with me. There were also red beta waves picked up, these were inline with my ADHD diagnosis, obstructing my full functioning thinking.
The Doctor verified this stating that I had a “great brain” and if I was to take any intelligence test I would do very well on them. That I have so much potential, but this was hindered by my ADHD.
In the end he gave me the formal diagnosis and did highly recommend that I go on the necessary clinical medication for ADHD.
All of this I took to my family doctor, only to be told that he could not prescribe me the medication, without a diagnosis from a psychiatrist; and that I would have to make an appointment with him in order to get a referral for one. All of which he failed to mention to me, when I reached out to him for the medication the first place, and he just said I needed a formal diagnosis. So here I stand with a $990 psychologist bill and no medication. And without a job and benefits I cannot get the medication I need for school.
To be continued…
